Track 2: Losers Cruisers & Dirty Rotten Schmoozers

To the backroom of the Royal Oak for the big night of the year
Anticipating, waiting, nurse a courage lifting beer
In the queue outside, you know I spied, and I mean this most sincere
Like Doris Day blew me away the moment she appeared
To the backroom of the Royal Oak and I’ve seen them all before
Those never want to meet deadbeats, a compendium of flaws
This lump of a man, as fast as you can saunters up drooling with glee
Why do they always, oh why do they always, why do they always pick on me?

Tell me why? Why? Why? Why? They’re all losers, cruisers and dirty rotten schmoozers
And this one here epitomises all of them to me; users, choosers who never leave the boozers
Why do all the lowlifes seek my company? Every time I go out they’re always hitting on me

Sometimes I think my past must be to blame; attracting all the down-and-outs, a moth to the flame, the type I always seem to meet, are those with two left feet
The only gentlemen I’ve spied are batting for the other side
That woman’s so garn pretty in a way I can’t explain
But if I have another five or six it’s sure to come out plain
(And now I think he’s staring at me), I’m going to try to catch her eye
And win her over, like a wild rover (and now he’s coming over this way
Mumbling and bumbling, and starting to sway, think I should leave right-a-way
Now’s the time to try)

But I know there must be someone out there
Someone who will drive away the jesters, the pests and the rest
And I know there will be someone out there, no more sleaze balls no more fakes,
No lizards and no snakes, oh I can but dream; oh I can but dream it comes true

Well hello little lady you’ve hit the jackpot here tonight
Grab your coat; and your hat and back to yours alright
(What do you mean are you obscene?) Let’s get sleazy you and me
(Talk to the hand, do you understand, you’re the last person in the world, the last person in the world, the last person in the world that I need)

With their Neanderthal looks and their brontosaurus brains
And their Neolithic chat up lines they’re driving me insane

(c) Dr Josh P Davis